Keith opened his book. Keith was about to write down certain features of the society while he was studying for his hilarious course which was teaching him how ‘meritocracy’1 works. He put down six words which he considered to be most expressive. “Immature, evolved, technologized, instable, diverse, and confused”, but he crossed them as soon as he wrote the final letter of the final word.
“That’s absolutely not what I’m living in. That’s just part of it and it’s even complicated how they mix”
“I cannot simply admit these terms, it’s too much of a struggle in this society, it’s a killing struggle – oh, irony – it’s not to be, or not to be, it’s so much … oh, what?”.
Keith was up to making a coffee when his mind basically fell off onto the ground and couldn’t process anything that he was doing –
“it’s a psychopath, it’s psychosis, you’re bipolar, you’re under no circumstances sane – you’re insane and you’ll stay labelled because they decided to call your state like this. You cannot even imagine how insane you are – you’re the most of all suffering of psychosis and you’ll be the greatest psychopath soon – they won’t ever judge you as sane – think about it”
and Keith found himself smoking out of the room’s window while drinking his coffee. He wasn’t sane. Ok, oh, he wasn’t! Society practically decided that sane is feeling what all feel, seeing what all see, and insane is… well, different – including all kind of mental illnesses, insane also means someone psychotic, psychopath as well. And Keith was both and a bipolar guy as well – although no one ever knew and they might never discover. His illnesses cannot be seen, although he is developing them, feeding them daily, never trying to let them go. Keith is up to destroying himself for the sake of imagination, art production, and discovery. And when he is up with thoughts about how and why, he’s not even part of the reality anymore, his mind is simply transferring into a parallel universe, simply departing from his body, living it as it would be dead and gone, but still reacting in the most instinctive ways. And then Keith, while smoking too much and drinking another three coffees, went through all the ideas he could have about the society. He took off all his innocence and wrote down the three simple concepts he thought that describe the 21st C: psychosis, psychopathy, bipolar behaviour.
- Psychosis is a state of losing touch with the reality;
- Psychopathy is a personality disorder resulting in lacking empathy, impulsivity, and other, and
- Bipolar Behaviour means an interchange of personality, a mood mesh up, two kind of rapports to the reality within one single person.
I guess this should be what the society is. Think about it – a bunch of people conducted by a system which they chose and dislike in the same time – another bunch of people who rule, who are promising and not keeping their words in the same time. There is a bunch of people ruining their lives for their own wrong concepts, they ruin themselves for being manipulated, convinced, offered things they will never receive. Mistreated, mislead, lied to, and made fun of, this huge bunch of people would never go above to think for themselves – but they have their time when they suddenly feel themselves as deep. It’s not much of them when they feel like being ‘deep’ – it’s just a sparkle which disappears so soon and it’s never coming back in the same way, and all the ideas are lost. Society shouldn’t be allowed to judge for itself – the thought is hurting me, that so many people just shouldn’t have the right to choose for the entire population, what, globalization is doing wrong and it shouldn’t be meant to hurt – but oh, it hurts so much! Globalization …….. For the nation ……… no! No! We don’t need one simple nation, we don’t mean to be dumb, and we don’t mean to kill so many cultures!”
Keith stood there in front of his writing with his face frozen. He wasn’t aware of his full texts, he wasn’t aware of how much he wrote until now – he wasn’t aware of the 4th coffee he made, nor was he aware of the pack of cigarettes he finished. When did all happen?
“I wouldn’t stop doing my thing, I wouldn’t stop noticing how frightened I am when I find out what I write, I wouldn’t stop hurting myself with all the thinking”
Keith thought. It’s been four hours in which he basically did nothing for the course he should have done all the work already. He out down the papers and went back to what he called ‘studying’ – laying in front of a laptop, with some opened books, contemplating how much nonsense there was –
“no one actually understands what I’m trying to say – the society isn’t nice and it doesn’t get together – why do they all say that the society can be turned into a ‘one big family’, don’t they see the problems in some countries, don’t they see all the struggle some people go through? Don’t they see all the lack? Don’t they…. Do they?”
Keith’s psychosis wasn’t a straight one, it wasn’t simply it, it was one of a poet – it was more of a diffusion of the reality when he was in those contemplative states, but it wasn’t that of a sacred, it was a terrifying, energy-consuming, destructive one. Keith lost touch with his reality for many times and he was in states when he was asking himself if what he sees is what it is, if what is planned for the next day is actually planned, if he is real nor not, and if everyone and everything is actually his illusion or not. He was projecting this film, like him surrounded by either nothing or just people who see him as an insane, because he would actually talk alone, and he would actually be completely different from the reality that everyone else actually sees. Where would then be the psychosis in the society? Wouldn’t it be in him? Where is the psychopathy? Psychopathy lies in him, it’s in his deepest scars, it takes over in moments of panicking loneliness, it covers his mind when he is scared – and he’s not a criminal, he’s not murdering people – he’s murdering minds – he’s a mind killer and that’s what makes him Keith. Keith is one piece of a murderer, he says,
“I am never going to be arrested because up until now there is no rule to not mesh up people’s mind – oh, but if it was!”
The society needs to be ruled by unwritten rules, and it is, but the question is how much those are understood, recognized and, as well, how are they understood, and so on. There are concepts which are meant to not function, I cannot really guess why, but it seems like some concepts are shared by a really small number of people and they, therefore, cannot be called as functioning for the society. Such concepts are principles, ethics, and morality, all going together, because separate they make perfect sense and are viable. The problem is when they merge one with another and from which perspective they go together. Reasonably, I would accept that there can be two people who randomly meet and have the same perspective upon this merge I am talking about, but I cannot admit this.
Principles: A fundamental truth or proposition that serves as the foundation for a system of belief or behaviour or for a chain of reasoning [Oxford Dictionary, English UK]. I know that it is nothing new coming out from this definition, but for some reasons, principles are not only mistaken with ‘principals’, but they are mistaken in their nature – no, acting on principles does not mean acting on defined rules, nor does mean acting by rules you don’t believe in – one has his own principles to be guided by. It’s a struggle to keep your principles along your way, most of them do change, but there is a basis of principles which should never be left away and never betrayed. It is the treasure you have, as they are made by you to rule you.
Ethic: A set of moral principles, especially ones relating to or affirming a specified group, field, or form of conduct [Oxford Dictionary, English UK]. Indeed this definition is not new either, and yes, it does link to ‘principle’, because so it is, having principles leads into ethical acting. But what are ethics for one out in the world? No, we do not discuss the psychological ethics, although we could, we don’t connect this word to the social experiments or any other thing, I am trying to say ethics in the world, ethically living, ethically treating those around us. And no, if the latter, it doesn’t mean that we need to be ‘fair’ with someone, ‘fair’ meaning acting towards them with a complicated well-mannered behaviour if we consider that they don’t deserve our respect, ‘fair’ meaning acting as ethical as we consider that they deserve. Ethics can, yes, be measured.
Moral, Morality: Concerned with the principles of right and wrong behaviour [Oxford Dictionary, English UK]. The definition could sound ‘concerned with the ethical application of principles’ as well as it is and no one should disagree. Morality is what leads our decisions and, therefore, it is kind of a product of our principles and our understanding of ethics, isn’t it? If we are to choose to act in a way with someone around us, we will decide our behaviour in three simple steps: ‘does my reaction accord with the principles I live by?’, ‘is it ethical to project my principles in this way?’, and, of course, ‘is it moral to let my principles merge with the ethics and leave my personality through this behaviour?’. Although we have no idea when all this questions are put and when are they answered, they do exist in our mind – not these exact words, but their main idea floats our mind each time we behave in a way, meaning, yes, every second; they are emphasized into our process of thinking when the decision on ‘what to do now’ is more either important or shocking in any way. It is moral to kill someone to saving other four people if no other option which would save them all is given? Psychologists claim that it is. I might not, I might simply choose to let those 4 people die if the one who I would kill is Someone to me, can’t I? It would be perfectly moral in my mind and the accusation could not exist more than in words “oh, oh, you weren’t ethically and morally acting!”, oh, well, to me it would be both, I didn’t kill those four people, I just let them die.
Perspective is one of the most important factors when trying to understand a fact, someone’s action, or anything else. “We see what we expect to see” and “we see what we already have knowledge about”, both construct our perspective, both and our mind-set background. Perspective: A particular attitude towards or way of regarding something; a point of view [Oxford Dictionary, English UK]; it is very important to see many points of view to have a good perspective ourselves. I’m used to joking saying ‘Just put it from a line of view, just a point is not enough’ and as much laughter as it induce, as much truth I still believe it offers. One of my biggest curiosity is for how long will this ‘line’ be laughed at and not approached as a concept – oh, ‘concept’. Concepts are so nice, aren’t they? I think that the concept of concepts is just a concept itself. Wait – what? Concept: An abstract idea, a plan or intention; (philosophy): An idea or mental image which corresponds to some distinct entity or class of entities, or to its essential features, or determines the application of a term (especially a predicate), and thus plays a part in the use of reason or language [Oxford Dictionary, English UK].
Having to merge all these together ends up in “applying the principles by our ethics and be moral”, and this is none of what it sounds like. It is nothing as law, it is nothing as having to be in the standards of anyone else, but it is within you. And what the society sometimes, most of the times, doesn’t accept is that this application isn’t the same for all. Even if some people do share the same principles, they don’t share the same ethics, and if they do, ‘being moral’ is different between them. Rarely do we find alike thinking, and even when it matches, it’s never 100%. Human beings are supposed to be correct, at least so it’ being said, I truly believe that not all, human beings are supposed to be however it fits in that right moment of time. Being correct, though, doesn’t mean fair, and I wrote something above this lines about this. The all way known ‘be correct’ is ‘registered’ for school, any kind and level of school: 2+2=4, correct! But no, humans one with another aren’t correct. Who, actually, defines ‘correct’? Oh, that there are some conventions just alike ‘time’ is, that’s true, but even so, the vast majority of ‘correct’ is just on our daily basis choice. And I don’t find correct to treat you with respect if you behaved in a certain way with me – ok, that’s my correct ‘line’ of view – who is now to correct my correct? Applying my principles in the situation, I find it ethical to not respect you and my morality is ok with it. Is it enough said? Realistic thinking, there is no one out there who has the ability to fully judge my behaviour – although, for sure, I am not intending to claim that it can be fine to be a criminal or a burglar or anything – I mean, it can be fine, I lied, to whom is, it can be perfectly aligned with his thinking, but there are laws in the society which, is true, don’t really let this merge I am talking about explode and be however – which is, most of the times, beneficial for our lives, actually. Hating the system isn’t about willing to get rid of laws, hating the system is based on hating the lack of meritocracy – even if you don’t really feel like it’s this, it is, deep there, the flame keeping the hate burning is the lack of meritocracy; and, as well, there are those people who simply think that they deserve, but they don’t, that’s another story which is to be taken in calculus as well, but it doesn’t really fit what I was writing about. If there would be something completely correct in this society, there won’t be a society – people are biased for the simple fact that they are people – they can be unborn, the foetus is already biased, its parents are, it transmits – everything is biased around us, for the better or the worse, but it is. No, don’t take me up to discussing about how artificial intelligence won’t be biased – coding is made by humans and, yes, I know that coding needs to be perfect or it’s not running, but making up intelligence from a ‘line’ of view coming from a biased human cannot be correct, but biased, to some extent, as well. I cannot imagine something unbiased, a perfect system – perfect is knowing that it cannot be perfect. This society tries too hard to be fair.
Keith felt accomplished to having written this. Then he poured some more coffee and broke another pack of cigarettes. Being proud of his script was one of the best feelings he was experiencing.
“I am a psychic and I know the trigger. I’m not letting me down, I’m raising myself as up as I can, and I throw myself upper and upper each time – I’m experiencing what I know as being sacred, I’m experiencing my connection with the energy and I’m what – I’m writing! Psychopaths! Psychopaths all over, I am surrounded by true instable people, I am surrounded by blind people, by blind-minded, but, in the end, I am.”
Keith is antisocial for his awareness, for him knowing no one actually knows him and if they know, they don’t understand his lacks of interests most of the times, nor do they understand his tranche. Some people say that he’s mad, some say that he’s just playing, some know that something is wrong with him, and some just think that Keith is some sort of a gorgeous creature. But he knows that he is none – he is just Keith and nothing more, he cannot understand himself and nor can the others, he says,
“I am don’t want you to understand me – either support me, or leave me, I cannot understand how I am, why would I ask that from you?”.
No meritocracy is present in his world – he’s never reimbursed for what he’s achieving, he never feels accomplished, he feels destroyed by all the powers around him, he feels left. So there it was, “Immature, evolved, technologized, instable, diverse, and confused”, standing, again, right in front of him, on the same old piece of paper he was supposed to study for his exam. But Keith has nothing to do with the university, does he? The courses he’s taking, oh, he’s doing this only for… recognition? Keith is that kind of a person whom you’ll talk to about thousand reasons why he would be wrong, but he will still strongly agree with, oh, yeh, himself. Keith is not about to change his mind, although he is up to pretending that he is.
“No pretending, no passing”
he said. Keith was quite disappointed that he was thinking like this. By all the means, he never wanted to hurt. Keith never wanted to hurt anyone around him, but he did and there is no chance that he will stop this. Saying all this things out loud won’t comfort anyone – and he would publish these words, all, oh, he would. But he then stood back again.
“Finding someone with the same mind-set as yours is magic, and it’s more than a chaos as well, you’re about to be psychic – oh, irony – you’d think about telepathy and about transmitted feelings and the energy with flies so high and reaches so fast. Having said I’m bipolar and psychic doesn’t make it ‘cool’ that there’s someone out there having the same things as me. Not for the society – but for the real, oh, it is. Because all these, these are not bad. It’s not crime, it’s not insanity for psychiatry, it’s another kind of life, and, please, I challenge you to prove me that I’m insane and in need of treatment. Neither would that person be. Having my principles straight in my mind, my way of ethically applying them and having a relaxed morality doesn’t affect anyone’s business. My mind doesn’t need a friend who to be seen, my mind is my own friend and my personality disorder is the perfect company, I cannot lose control over it, we’re both in the same real time and real actions – oh, and there she is”
Keith started to think about ‘her’ more than ever. His ‘her’ was someone who he barely saw in the first times, she’s been quite fugitive when around him, but they took time to stay together with their friends for some time and Keith couldn’t hold his fascination. She’s been something that he never knew it’s possible to be. Keith’s ‘her’ was that kind of a presence which made him question his sanity and insanity in the same time – apparently she was just another random person, but when known better, she was… something.
“She’s that kind of a woman who’s talking a lot, but she makes so much sense within her sentences – I cannot understand it sometimes, how can it be, as they all told me that women aren’t that way – she’s so fascinating. I saw her the first time and I got scared – she has such a big influence on the people around her, but she’s so hard to keep; it seems like she’s never going to change and her character won’t ever allow her to become a neutral existence. She’s never up to modern talks, but she’s never keeping up with random intelligent talks – she does choose her topic, she does go in and out of it, she does change the issue, she does a lot – I could never do that. She’s like having a million seasons mind, she cannot focus on the material – she’s way too spiritual for this world. And as I said, when I firstly saw her I got scared, and I still feel the fear when she’s around me, I do feel attracted by her energy, it’s like her aura’s calling me, but I just cannot make the first step – I would never love her in that way – she’s way much more superior and her feelings are never to be reached – she does love, she does get angry, she does have random emotions, but when it’s about to be true, she, the woman I daily see, enters in a coma and there’s a confusion like an energy’s actually living inside her – there’s no more the woman inside the body, but a great unknown force of the Universe. I might never understand her and I actually don’t even want to – I do know she cannot be understood, she does know this as well, and she’s as fair as she’s never requiring understanding, she’s always doing her business alone; she talks a lot about her issues, she does ask for advice, she does, but she never accepts any other kind of help and she’s used to living in the most realistic way. I think she’s not even a woman. Who am I kidding here? She’s not a woman. She’s a Force of the Universe and me, the man, I do feel so little around her – I feel bound by the nature, she’s more than the nature, she gets over it, she’s up, too up to ever be reached. She’s not a woman, she’s not a man, she’s Something. I cannot tell how many times I looked deep into her eyes – those deep looks inside her body, those deep looks through which I couldn’t see a human being, but a synergy of all the things I ever desired and feared as Hell. She does mean all the things around us, she does work on her aim, but she’s never telling her aim. She does talk about what she’s up to, but she never talks about the very far future; she does give reasons why she’s being like this, but she never explains to be understood by us – she has her own scale of importance, her own way of classifying everything, she’s never up to retell – but she always has her business perfectly done. I firstly met her by chance, but I would’ve met her anyway – she’s that kind of a person who cannot pass unseen, but she’s not a person…” – and so does he end, and so does he start, and so does he lose his mind, and so has he much food for thought. And so dies he each time he sees her – but so does he come alive. He’s up to nowhere when she’s around. He cannot talk to her, he cannot reach her, he doesn’t voluntary want to, but he’s energy’s pulling him to her. Anyone’s energy’s once been pulled to hers. He cannot fall asleep without thinking about her – she’s too much of an enigma for him. He does not love her in that way, he does not like her, he does nothing towards her – but it seems so uncontrollably thinking about her and talking to himself about her. She’s been up to catching his attention – she’s been up to take care of him, she’s been up to anything, she’s like possible to do everything and no one might know what she’s up to now. “And I know I’ll meet her again tomorrow, and I know I’ll only discover she’s much more of an enigma than today; but I cannot stand back, although I wish to – is too much of a self-destruction, but it’s only impossible to stay away. Stay away!”
[“She’s too much of a something” ©allebsart, September 2014]
Keith was, indeed, mesmerized by her presence around, but her presence wasn’t meant to be there forever and she was leaving and coming back again, never letting him know if she even feels the same. If he could only have a guess. But she left, his mind broke apart thinking that the only person who was sharing the same mind-set as he was, the same thinking, the same sanity or insanity, Keith was about to let his hope that it’s been true having her there with all her mysteries go, but then it was him who gave up trying to let go when he saw her writing what he was, when he felt her there, miles apart, still present, and his control over his mind was left. Fascinated, pouring too much sweet coffee each two hours, smoking in his cold room, Keith was trying to focus on those words: “Immature, evolved, technologized, instable, diverse, and confused”, and he put them different definitions to give flow:
- Immature: having the feeling that there is no one out there to resemble with at least 60%. You grow up when you know that there’s a chance of 100% for someone resembling to you even if you will never know the person.
- Evolved: knowing that your merge between your principles, ethics, and moral acting cannot be incorrect or correct, but accepted by a certain group or not, and that there is surely someone who maybe even hides how like you they think because they are terrified.
- Technologized: having all the possibilities to communicate even miles or worlds apart still being aware that there are forces which actually connect to real human beings (or more, ok, two or more, but I’d keep it with ‘two’); there’s the magic of having found That One. Not ‘The One’, as they all say, but That One who is not necessarily ‘The One’, although you wish she would be.
- Instable: Having in front of your eyes the person who with you share half of your soul and still think it’s not right to feel something and thinking that the feelings which are ‘automatically’ generated by the atmosphere make you not only week, but aren’t right to be.
- Diverse: we all have different ‘lines’ of view, most of us keep having just a point of view.
- Confused: *see instable*
Keith closed his eyes; for the very first time he wasn’t alone in the pure darkness of his thoughts, there was another mind by his side.
1: term used to define a system where the people are reimbursed for their merits and not their social class, or social background.